You may remember that I tried to be like my hero Steve “Stever” Kamb by taking a stab at “blow by blow” blogging while onboard The Cayamo two weeks ago. Now that we’re home my day to day life may not include afternoons laying on the beach or late night piano jams with Brandi Carlile and Vienna Teng, but I figured it was as good a time as any to practice my minute by minute updates for the next cruise. Here on land I cook my own meals, clean up after myself, my husband and two rambunctious dogs, and report to an office job every day that is not terribly more interesting than most people’s so I’ve taken some creative license and combined a couple of days worth of observations into one day in the life of a phone ninja.

7:59am It is unclear as to why I am having an underwater tea party with Biz Markie, my mother, and the guy who sells me candy at the Chevron down the street but the octopus with the monocle and the top hat looks untrustworthy so instead of leaving I pour another cup of tea. Out of nowhere that damned octopus begins beating me with his tentacles, I knew he looked sketchy . . . wait no, that’s just the Ripley dog. She’s smacking me in the face with her paw. Okay! Okay! I’m up! I’m awake.

8:10am Need. Coffee. Oh good, there’s still some left in the freezer. The bag is empty. I am going to kill Pat. What kind of person puts an empty bag of coffee in the freezer? No coffee? I’m going back to sleep for a quick power nap instead.

9:40am I’m finally on my way out of the house with a glass of orange juice in hand. I’ve just locked the door while balancing the OJ between my chin and chest when the whole damn glass dumps out all over my favorite t-shirt.

9:50am Changed out of my t-shirt with the unicorn on it and into one with a neon green bow printed across the front. It sort of matches my paisley hoodie. For the 100th time this year I make a mental note to stop dressing like a 14 year old girl before I turn 30.

10:02am Stopping by the kitchen on the way to my desk I thank the sweet baby Jesus for the invention of the Flavia coffee maker—delicious brown elixir out of a little foil pod and into my mouth in less than 1 minute. The Internet, the Pet Rock, the pacemaker, these are all great inventions, but nothing at this moment compares to the Flavia.

10:05am I get ready for my busy day by stealing a quick glimpse at the picture of the day at my favorite blog, www.failblog.org

12:30pm I spill Italian dressing on my jeans while eating lunch at my desk in between phone calls.

1:30pm Andy’s helping us out in the call center during our busy pre-sale season this week and I’m a little bit terrified of some of the things coming out of his mouth. The first time he helped us out he was introducing himself as “T-bone.” Now he’s answering the phone with “Welcome to Sixthman, home of the Simple Man Cruise,” and offering to meet people on the ship and “make some magic happen.” My fourth cup of coffee almost shoots out of my nose from laughing so hard.

3:30pm At this point I’m practically levitating over my office chair, I’ve had so much coffee. I take a break to go into the kitchen to get some water instead. How was I supposed to know that the Devil made a delivery? Three boxes of mini cupcakes have magically appeared on the kitchen counter. I actually think I might pass out from glee when I bite into one of chocolate ones and oreo cookie cream bursts out.

3:32pm I can’t revel in my cupcake shame alone, so I drop one of the devil-made delights onto May’s desk.

5:00pm I happen across an email in the customer service inbox addressed to “Joy Cheers Todaro.” May and Jana are finally vindicated. My use of the salutation, “cheers!” is getting a bit excessive. I make a mental note to come up with a new tagline ASAP.

6:20pm While wrapping up my day at work, my cell phone rings. Now, I pride myself in always telling the truth in my professional life but when it comes to my personal life I can be a bit of liar. The girl on the other end identifies herself as a student at my alma mater and asks if I would like to hear about some of the exciting things happening at our school. I tell her I would love to (a lie) but before she wastes her breath I have no money (unfortunately true). Fundraiser girl doesn’t sound surprised and asks if she could at least update my mailing address. I tell her that I’m eco-concious and would prefer that they not send printed materials to my house. I’m sort of proud of my inventive answer, but anyone who has seen my immense collection of magazine subscripitons and mail order catalogs will know that I just told a lie.

6:30pm On the way home I’m stuck behind a triple A tow truck and find myself wondering if people ever get AAA and AA mixed up.

8:45pm Pat is finally home from work. We make spicy shrimp fajitas for dinner and then we watch the newish Kevin Smith movie on-demand. In case you were wondering Zac and Miri Make a Porno is about as bad as it sounds.

11:45pm After discovering the Ronin dog has made a bed inside of my open suitcase, still unpacked from Cayamo, and kicking him out I turn out the lights and pass out in my own bed. Definitely my favorite part of being home, sleeping in my own bed.

The End.

Cheers! (still taking suggestions for a new salutation)

Joy